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I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious! 
Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.
I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.
*pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.
A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.
Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.
When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.
"Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used. 