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Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again. 
CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”
I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.
My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.
Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.
Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.
(Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.
The Angel of Death said, I’ve come for you. The man said, But why? I’m happy, I’m healthy… The Angel said, you left your phone at home unlocked and your wife found it. The man said, alright let’s go then.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.
Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.
Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares. 