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Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs. 
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.
Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts
I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.
There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.
When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated
I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.
I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories. 