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Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS. 
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?
My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.
I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.
[watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it
I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs. 