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Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra." 
I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...
The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?
All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home
OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
What am I supposed to do with all this coal?
This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy
I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?
Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie
I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.
A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice 