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The point in making a point is to actually make a point, 
Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before
What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...
The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."
You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.
Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."
Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Be the reason someone smiles today
Can't talk right now. I am interfering in the local high school student gov't election.
If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.
I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... ...to stop immediately.
Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button
[Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it. 