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thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money 
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi
Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.
trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you
All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.
If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."
knows the muffin man.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip.....who will?
believes : Early to bed,early to rise.....and your girl goes out with other guys.
wants to get his Chill in, but instead is getting his Hang on
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em. 