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I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us." 
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.
[inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream” 