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I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it. 
I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.
If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.
If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.
Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.
If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.
Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.
When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.
Tinder is for rookies. Go to Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. This will show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.
Tesla kicked out of S&P 500’s ESG Index, never saw that coming.
Deleting history has become more important than making it.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.
Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.
Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.
A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”
Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”
Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.
Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted. 