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I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up. 
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.
My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
I'm still watching the Never Ending Story
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account
I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?
Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....
Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou. 