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Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer. 
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!
If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.
Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?
I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.
"You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.
When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.
:) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.
I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.
needs to sit down in the Thinking Chair and Think...Think...THIIIINNNKK!!!
silence is golden but duct tape is silver
starting to agree with the voices in his head......
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 