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Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes. 
I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.
Life is too short to die a coward.
Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.
When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.
Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.
Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.
If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.
Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later. 