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She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I don't really like seafood." It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me. 
The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who."
: Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I'm just saying if she's into metric then I'd love to meter
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.
My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.
If the coronavirus came from eating raw bats, then Ozzy Osbourne is patient zero.
I appreciate Facebook music invite but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it out tomorrow night to hear your band playing 1000 miles away.
billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus
My friends describe me as "I'm sorry, he's not usually like this."
When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!
I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...
Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth." 