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No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery. 
If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Anybody else up to 6 meals a day
I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!
Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.
"I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."
Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...
I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.
.I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat. 