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For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns 
What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.
Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.
Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.
It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires
If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.
It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.
If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead
I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy 