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I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house! 
For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns
What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.
Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.
Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.
It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires
If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.
Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Anybody else up to 6 meals a day
I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!
The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.
I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-) 