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I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it. 
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?"
DOG: "Correct"
I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers
Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.
My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
"The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."
I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.
My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
I like you, but not see you every damn day like you. 