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Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you.... 
Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.
All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.
I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.
I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.
My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.
I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf
I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer”
because when people see a sign that says,
“Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM”
everyone is going to be there.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.
FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast
"Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer
Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes... 