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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun? 
If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?
Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.
You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.
If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"
Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play” 