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If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer 
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged
Has lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how it feels.
Not sure how people will react when they find out I'm actually a robot.
When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.
Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door. 