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I built a makeshift barrier at each end of my street to keep the virus out. Someone tore it down and hauled it away. I need to find them and get my bed and sofa back! 
Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.
For once in my life I think I found a new diet that really seems to be working for me! That called " I better not eat too much as I'm starting to run low on toilet paper"
HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.
Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.
With the stay at home order in some states, I wonder how soon it will be before we start hearing about people going stir-crazy like Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shining.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
There are two key elements to success.
1. Never tell anyone everything you know.
Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?
I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!
I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean
"Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot
If your getting together with your 10 piece band to make a "Social Distancing Video" I think you've missed the point of social distancing.
Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.
A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.
I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.
You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her
I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.
I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake
Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense? 