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There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ? 
No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.
My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?
I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!
I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!
Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate
My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys
Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.
mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing
I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.
Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.
I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!
I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?
My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know? 