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we can be friends or we can be spiders 
As far as I'm concerned, it was false advertising. When I transferred funds to the seller, I had no idea that I was buying a dog, not a candy factory. Chocolate Lab indeed....
My legs always feel like jelly after sex. It must be all the running beforehand.
Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?
so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!
For all you people wanting to say that the lights went off bc of the illuminati, your wrong! Teddy P said "Turn out the lights" and when he says turn out the lights, you turn out the damn lights!
Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.
One time I actually proposed, but she said "I don't think I have it in me". When we finished having sex, I never saw her again.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
I'm not saying you're ugly! I'm just saying you're a 12 pack away from being why type!!!
Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.
You yield at a circle intersection, you don't stop if there is nobody in the circle people!
Bruh, if she's still driving around in a car that's full of Hellokitty apparel, then she's too young for you !!
I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?
Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".
Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...
Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?
She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.
Bryan Brown "Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown
You never want to hear "Is that where you're supposed to poop?!" yelled by an adult from across the house. Especially not on shrimp scampi night. 