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Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird. 
I hate it when you have to act happy & smile when you really just wanna punch that person in the face.
I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a “no U-turn” sign in a dead-end street.
don't feed me any BS. I don't eat that part of the cow.
If she's still wearing silly bands, she's to young for you bro.
Look. If there's a guy wearing a diamond dog collar in his profile pic, he's got a friend request coming from me. Period.
Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!
I was offered a job today.......Al Qaeda need,s a new leader...I had to turn it down ....couldn't get life insurance
I have just discovered that dictionaries do not contain an entry for the word 'gullible'.
I don't know about you, but a highlight of my teenagerhood was filling my Dad's Vodka/Whiskey bottle with Water/Apple juice..
I just made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.
wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...
if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot
#AwkwardMoment empty restroom and he comes to the urinal right next to you......(-___-)
Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.
found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....
dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…
Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!
I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them. 