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They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap. 
Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger
how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)
"I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!
If someone makes a valid point, you don't just get to say 'hater' and walk away feeling like you've won. If you say: 'you're just a hater' they should take away your right to vote or own property.
Note to self: "Bring sexy back"
I guess one thing that is good about going to hell is at least you can pee wherever you want to.
The drummer for the Allman Brothers band has passed away. That means only three more drummers, four more guitar players, and a doped up keyboard player to go.
The American Dream is still Alive folks...You just can't do it as an employee or a Hillary
The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.
All the GOP care about is who leaked. But what do you expect from a bunch of old white men whose bladders aren't their friends anymore.
wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd
They are choosing a man over the country. That isn't patriotism. You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.
I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.
Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone? Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.
Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny!
Just bought an old ice cream truck, gonna go drive around later today selling bread and water. Just need to figure out what jingle to play on the radio....... 