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Caught an ugly couple kissing at Starbucks. So I interrupted & said, 'You're not planning on having kids, are ya? think ahead' 
I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole …. and she was happy with the Thing.
I tried an experiment last night I took 3 Caffeine Pills and 3 Tylenol PM's to see who would win, ya caffeine won. I been up for 30 hours.
Girls are not toys. You cant pick them up and drop them whenever you want.
127 Hours would have been better if immediately after he cut off his arm the rock shifted and landed on his foot.
I don't like to think of death as losing someone...i like to think of it as gaining a ghost!!
I was googled Whine of the month club, and Wisconsin came up.
If you can rate this with your tounge you're a great kisser ;)
'like' this and you'll love whats coming up next ;o)
Did you know it is physically impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time? Did you also know you're now an idiot for trying LOL
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours.
have you ever wondered that "Baba blacksheep" and "ABCD" has the same tune?? ;)
I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer.
Groundhog Day is a good time for us to pause & reflect on how much I want Andie MacDowell to sit on my face & wiggle about.
admits that the Nazis were terrible, but look on the bright side: At least we got some awesome Indiana Jones movies out of it.
there is no quicker way to separate yourself from god as to judge your fellow man
Like if you remember closing the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off.
OK...if you're a fish, do you have to wait 30 mins to swim after you eat??
Hey ladies, you know who finds your period attractive? Sharks. 