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I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street. 
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.
You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!
My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.
Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.
Land of the free, home of the Whopper.
Looks like everyone has staycation the week 4th of July. Party animals, huh?
I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.
Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.
[invention of the milkshake] drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster
Every time I watch a Mt. Everest documentary I realize that there are few things I’d voluntarily like to do less than climb Mt. Everest
Dear Lord, Please use thy healing powers to see over Aleppo. And Lord, while you're at it, please check on his brothers; Groucho, Harpo and Chico as well. Amen.
Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.
12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.
If I ever win $10,000,000 in the lottery, I'm going to donate a quarter of it to charity. I can live just fine on $9,999,999.75.
When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.
If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.
My bed is like a little p0rn movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.
Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?
It's so cool you can make Facebook PINK!!! said by no one, ever. 