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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided 
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.
Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!
If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?
The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.
James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.
Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB
What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.
People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.
A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!”
She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...
"Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida
I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,
God created the world in 7 days, but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I'm a big deal
China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have
Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''
When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button. 