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Im the swaglord you have been blessed 
tomorrow the Unites States will be 235 years old......In the south it is also the day the following phrase is repeated more than any other, "HOLD MY BEER, WATCH THIS"
Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!
i like to fast forward through menopause commercials
I'm shocked. Amy Winehouse look like she would last 2 weeks more at least, with no worries.
Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!
I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??
I wasn't that drunk. " Dude, you were standing on your head screaming at people to quit walking on your ceiling.
i absolutely love sending inboxes and never getting a reply. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.
if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.
The GOP's answer to Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.
According to this bathroom stall, Yo mama changed her number again.
We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
. Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.
Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...
The police officer asked Tigers wife "how many times did you hit him ma'am?" She responded "Oh, I don't know, put me down for a 5"
Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day
heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too 