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An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker! 
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie
"You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.
You can keep your justin bieber I only listen to bands like ZZ top at least I know they can grow facial hair
Coworkers were having printer problems, but I only heard the end of the conversation when they said "There are sheets jammed up in there." So natrually I recommended a laxative.
I got so much crap to do and I'm sitting around like a dingleberry.
The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures, is better than the hands that clap for your successes...
The so called 'rapture' doesn't apply to me, mainly because I have more than half a brain and think the bible is the best story ever written, if only J K Rowling was about at least it would have had wizards in it!
Men make mistakes the problem is god gave us a brain and A wienner but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time..!!!
Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.
wonders if makers of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts ever get "Post" traumatic stress...
Here's a tip for those that tan: If you end up lookin' like you rolled around in a bunch of Dorito's, you overdid it.
Breaking News. Hurricane Katia sweeps across UK. Rain so bad that one person had to use an umbrella.
I really wish Kellogg's would change the name of Froot Loops to HomO's.
So the US want to do away with 1 dollar bills and goto 1 dollar coins, I wonder what this will do to the Stripping industry, I see a comeback of fanny packs to put them coins in.
Dear Sour Patch Kids, What happened to all the Sour Patch Parents? Sincerely, confused eater..
decided to give up searching his belly button for Lent!
Working at the pizza place today...I came up with a tastier dough, Would you like to try my dill dough?
Supermoon is awesome!!! Oh wait, that's a streetlight..... 