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Cats do not make good pets. If you die, your cat will eat you… 
"Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."
DEAR SANTA, When you're done with it... Can I have the naughty girl list????
It's ANYWAY. Not ANYWAYS. Seen the mistake too many times.
crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a padded room they said I was nuts . . . nuts? squirrels like nuts . . . squirrels are crazy! . . . crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a paddes room they said I was nuts . . .
Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)
As a Disabled Veteran let me make my opinion very clear. If you take a knee during the National Anthem you are not disrespecting me. YOU ARE HONORING ME. I sacrificed for your freedom to make that choice.
thought about making a belt out of old watches, but decided it would be a waist of time.
How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Hey People lets not forget about William and Kate!
Good morning : ) I was thinking...What if the Rapture happens and you're in the middle of a poo? You'll be floating up to heaven, pooing on everyone below you.......
"911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"
┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.
I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!
...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.
"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving
Thanks to 0bamacare, Americans can expect to earn six figure salaries in 2014. Okay, six figures if you count the decimal point, the zeroes that follow the decimal point, and the dollar sign.
Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung. Do you think before sex he sings Wang Chung tonight? 