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"Look, there's a difference between 'ninja' and 'ninjer'." 
Life lesson....never put Preparation H next to the toothpaste in the morning.....YUCK!
Is it just me, or did former First Lady Barbara Bush remind you of George Washington? Just askin'...
I think it's pretty funny that people don't have a problem hitting the key pad several times to type out statuses, but FLIP OUT and start talking about starting farms on fire and killing animals instead of just hitting the one key "ignore" on a farm requ
In case you were wondering, this is how you say "bite my shiny metal ass" in Italian: "baciate il mio scintillante fondoschiena metallico..."
went to the book store the other day to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
thinks it's funny when people say listen to the birds singing. The birds aren't singing, they are saying "I'm horny! Come screw me!!"
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!
very sure her exhusband is smiling at his girlfriends new red hair because now she resembles me even more.
“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”
Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous
wondering just how exactly do you meet the girls from the single-ladies commercials?! theyre hot!
Harrison Ford was in a plane crash. I hope he was flying "Solo" Eh?
did you get Hillery's email ? nope I didn't either,,,,,
I don't care what your birth certificate says, If you have long hair you’re a lady as far as I am concerned.
Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.
Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature. 