Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower for cryin' out loud!

   DEAR FACEBOOK, TODAY WOULD BE A GREAT DAY TO PUT A DISLIKE/I HATE THE STEELERS/GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE STEELERS FAN "BUTTON" Thank you - 95% of the county, hell Canada too....

   If your grandma's furniture is wrapped in plastic... Well it's probably because she's a squirter...

   I'm a gentlemen. I'll hold the door open. Help carry groceries. Tip you for a good bj. Buy you dinner if you let me finish in your ass.

   the moral of the story is never send a white man to do a black mans job...

   Michael Jackson was not DANGEROUS, he may have been a little OFF THE WALL at times but not BAD. When it came to songs and performing he was a THRILLER and a DANCING MACHINE. From his one glove to the Moonwalk, MJ will never be forgotten!

   let the dogs out

   Flat Earthers: "The only thing we have to fear is sphere itself."

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   I’m hoping the Russians will hack Obama’s Farewell telecast tonight.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*it before....;)

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...