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just asked a group of people for a lighter. They thought she was homeless, asking for money. She's wearing false lashes. When was the last time you saw a homeless person with false lashes? 
This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.
denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!
had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.
Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.
I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.
I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.
They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.
Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.
In the interest of political correctness, the song will be now called, "Rudolph, the Native American-nosed Reindeer".
"Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"
if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.
Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks
Look to the left. Now look to the right. I just virtually b!tch-slapped you.
We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time
Taught my boy a lesson today.. When you give your girl a facial, You must wipe off the monitor afterwards.
D ick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played
WEED: Atleast its not crack!
I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet. 