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my daughters convinced me to take in a stray cat they found. in retrospect, I really should be clearer and more specific with my wishing! 
even the sweetest memories have a bitter taste
hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!
Would it be a good thing if I woke up feeling like P.Diddy? WTF's that mean anyway?!!
It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch
I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.
A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.
Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.
You hear people say don't feed squirrels or birds b/c it will affect the animals' instincts/skills and negatively affect the entire ecosystem. Maybe people nowadays's should apply that philosophy to child rearing.....
One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
facebook needs a facelift!
my wife said she let a sbd go in church I said she needed new batteries for her hearing aid.
I just wanted Apple to know that I am still waiting for my iToilet.
running for the phone charger like it's the end of the world
I got their girl going down like the ps3 network!
about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh
the only thing your "pajama jeans" match is your "sketcher's shape-ups"
Latest survey's shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population
fruit of the day: kumquat.
I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here. 