Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.

   Good News!!! I finally received my W2's from Facebook.

   Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.

   WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then

   "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   With the coronavirus I imagine they'll be a lot people staying home for Saint Patrick's Day, like a lot of Irish people normally do on I wannabe Irish night.

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   Home quarantine going great so far but not sure what day it is or what hour it is and I’m not really sure where I parked.

   I judge people based on their email address.

   If it was called a "rebsite" Elmer Fudd would pronounce it correctly.

   When I get out of quarantine I am starting a line of lawn mowers called mowjo.

   Toxic people be like “Enjoy your day” after they just ruined it