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I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven. 
I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.
If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.
Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.
Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.
Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!
I'm not making any New Year's resolutions this year as they always just go in year and out the next.
If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.
Good News!!! I finally received my W2's from Facebook.
Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.
I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.
WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.
Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then
"It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.
I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.
Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.
My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.
I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.
I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie. 