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"Deck the halls with Happy Birthday Faa La La La'up on the roof top is Peter Cotton tail in a one horse open sleigh"..........man, that's a good margarita..... 
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!!
found a sweet new keyboard shortcut. I wish I'd known about it before, it's so much faster! I love you ALT + F4. You make my life easy.
better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...
never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."
Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to Facebook right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further internet absences.Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.
GIRLS are so hard to understand.... If you go out with your boyz = ur too much of a player. If you want to be with them a lot = ur too needy .. WTF !
I've used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I'm calling in dead. lol
A truck load of tortoises get in a wreck with a boat load of terrapins... it was a turtle disaster!
one reason they call it PMS is that Mad Cow disease was already taken.
Thinks The "Ice Road Truckers" should fill their tires with helium so the trucks weigh less.
whats the difference between a SUV and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards...
How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.
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knows that your girlfriend is not taking piano classes on sundays
the "Pull my finger" joke stinks.
Who was the best comedian/stage performer in the Bible? ANS: Samson. He brought the house down.
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