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I've read the story before the duck dies 
If my death is as extraordinary as my life... then I should go quietly in my sleep.
an important lesson I've learned moving from an office to a cubical, is that you cannot successfully execute a silent "one cheek sneak" while wearing noise cancelling headphones.
a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!
I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Ah winter, that beautiful time of year for frozen engines, broken car starters and screeching fan belts. Bliss
Dear hotel guest....why waste time pulling the toilet paper off the roll.... just pull the core OUT and wipe with the whole damn thing!
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill
no matter the outcome of tonights game big ben will still have time to corner a 20 year old in the bathroom after
the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!
thinks you have been single too long when lubraderm sends you a Valentines card.
If women were born with remote controls, the most commonly used buttons would be: PAUSE, MUTE, FAST-FORWARD, and SLEEP.
The strangest of all bipolar disorders and birth defects is an inability to see things my way...
What the deuce!! Talk about a knee trembling, ball tingling experience 2 start your day! Natural Source mint and tea tree shower gel is awesome!!! :)
What are the benefits of these gold membership services for facebook? Will I have people digging for gold on my virtual farm?
Some memories are wonderful to make but painful to remember.
It's pretty sad when someone's idea of "meeting new people" consists of adding everyone in the People You May Know tool....
How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?
You ever had a gut feeling about having an empty stomach? 