Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   I would like to officially nominate Cersei Lannister to be the one to finally separate Church and State .... Once and For All!!!

   Black Jives Shatter

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove I had purchased a donut.

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Who is gonna clean the wall after it's built?

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]