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If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every now and then, I feel as if I'm being all I can be. 
Lady gaga had more yards in the air than Tom Brady.
You never forget your first love. No matter how hard you try.
I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.
If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.
I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.
How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?
The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.
The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)
Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.
There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.
Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.
If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.
If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.
Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.
yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole 