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Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing. 
When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!
Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....
Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.
there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of a genie, that tickled his weiny. And woke up with a hand full of goo.
If your heart was really broken you would be dead. So STFU.
Anything Gloria Allred speaks out against I will support!
The people made of chocolate from the Hershey's commercials freak me out...
I guess the radical libs had to come up with something in light of the strong likelihood that a Conservative Christian minority might wax our existing Socialist leader out of a job pretty soon. :-/
I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?
I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.
EVERY man agrees with his woman until she opens her mouth (to talk !)
I cant wait until 2016 so that I can learn through FB what country Hillary Clinton was really born in and what type of tyrantical gvmt she's associated with and how fast she plans to go door to door to take everyones hand guns..
It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house
I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans
If a b!tch is two faced; Does that mean I have the right to smack the hell outta her twice?!
why marry and make one woman happy when you can remain single and make many Women Happy........???
Underwear is for pussies See what I did there? .. Sigh.. Brilliant
Malaysian Airlines tickets will be half price from now on because that is as far as you are going to get.
In case if emergency, your seat cushion may be used to choke that annoying crying baby closest to you. 