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Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life. 
Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.
If you people would GET OFF THE PHONE you could drive better!
Heading out downtown tonight better known as "No I don't have a cigarette or a dollar"
I'm Frank with all of my dates. Wouldn't want them knowing my real name would i?
Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.
If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)
The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.
You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it justdoesn't work that way. you are already hard to want.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.!!
I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.
Be careful about making too many plans; that's were “premeditated” comes from.
so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...
Truly amazed by how much the people in the commercials care for us.
"Im never gonna danthh again/ Cauth guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though ithh eathhy to pretend I know you're not a fool" -Careless Lisper
The dentist said my gums were bad and it would cost $1000 to fix. I bought some big red and put that up there for 50 cents.
As Ole Fred Sanford would say, "You big dummy".
It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)
I hate when people on YouTube say, "if your watching this in 2011". I'm always like oh no, I'm watching it 1500 BC on my IStone. 