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Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels. 
Canada doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal
Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?
Perhaps Daniel Craig's Successor as James Bond should be a disabled woman.
I always wonder if the KKK pay double time for working on MLK Day or do they just get a new set of sheets with a higher thread count?
I heard Rickon Stark's favorite band is One Direction.
.... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...
You shoot down a Russian plane at your own peril Turkey. 1 Russian Pilot = 42 Dead Turks.
I can't be bothered to download Pokemon GO. So I just threw a basketball at my next door neighbor's rabbit.
Divorce: The end of an error.....
"Is that a gun in your pants ... or are you happy to see me?" ..... Melania Sanchez
I like people who make me laugh, make me think and make me coffee. Not necessarily in that order....
"Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America
Rachel Maddow has a bigger Adam's Apple then I do. I'm just saying!
My salary does not come close to matching the level of busyness I fake at work.
My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.
"Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again. 