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Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push 
Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.
Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.
All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.
How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?
Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."
You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.
Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.
I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.
Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.
¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ
YAY! Mr. Peanut back.
Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...
I'm so old I remember when the Beatles where are the New Kids on the Block.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.
By the reactions below, this is a group of major pole buffers.
So by always grabbing extra Chipotle napkins along with saving a huge variety of different non-perishable condiments from restaurants over the years make me a prepper? 