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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong. 
To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.
Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂
I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist
Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance
A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.
Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.
If a status update gets posted on Facebook and no one likes it did it really happen?
I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation
They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?
People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.
They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.
Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!
I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.
So Wikileaks is real now, or did is the 21 russian hackers reported today fake?
In school I think all of our wives got straight A's in buyology. 