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I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good. 
Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.
I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.
pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"
Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?
Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9
Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.
What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times you must have b00bies
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.
Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."
~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!
I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.
Glad we finally found OBL. Now can we find the dead beat dads thats dont pay child support or play a role in their kids lives?
"a friend with weed id a friend indeed...."
My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....
OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!
"like a mime trapped in a box, you want out, but you cant yell for help. "
was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent 