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I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya 
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
Every time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.
C ondoms prevent minivans.
I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No. Taking a $hit."
Words of Wisdom - As you sow, so shall you reap.
INNUENDO [in-yoo-en-doh] noun: An Italian Suppository
George Lucas loves himself some dark chocolate.
Although the U.S. attack on Syria sounds like good news, we can't be fooled by it. When did the U.S. attack a country just to free it?
thinks it's often easier to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission..
age has nothing to do with experience... and everything to do with ability
imagining a world with no hypothetical situations.
out like the Red Sox! good night!
Facebook = just giving people another way to air out dirty laundry online. 1,000,000 satisfied customers daily. : )
wishes Carrie Prejean would stop sending me video tapes...I told her it is over.
Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.
Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!
kids learn from fairy tales. like goldilocks and 3 bears teaches us that you can sneak into people's place, eat their food, break their furnituer and sleep in their beds as long as you can run fast and you are blond!
trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?
Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. 