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Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate. 
it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!
Just deleted all attractive people from his facebook friends list. Woah that feels better.
While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....
If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.
When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!
Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.
My credit score looks like the speed limit!
My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...
My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.
One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!
So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.
I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.
I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
it me or did Bruno mars smoked some of James Brown weed?
Dude's name on that Bud commercial is LT. NADD! GO NADD!
Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish. 