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Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers. 
imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
4/20 is the day that some of you celebrate smokin dope. 4/21 is the day your employer (If you have one) celebrates random drug testing!
That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a questio thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now @#!*%
It doesn't say it on my drivers license but I'm an organ donor.
Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops
Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!
Question is: Am I responsible enough to be in charge of cooking oil after 5 beers. We shall see. If I catch the house on fire you'll all be the first to know, I'll update on the way out :D
Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.
Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.
After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.
If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.
Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back
sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~
Baseball is so boring now. Bring back the Steroids!!
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.
Will the last person to leave NY remember to bring a pizza?
I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥠žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥ž 