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my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check? 
Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but they forgot to mention Morons.
i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.
..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.
God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?
If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…
To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.
Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?
But have you tried applying more Vagisil?
Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.
Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.
My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.
My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..
Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit
Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.
If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door. 