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It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies 
I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext
I just ordered this awesome t-shirt: "I participated in the Brexit vote and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Hmmm. Too soon.
Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.
Public Service Announcement: If you plan on using Illegal Fireworks this July 4th weekend .... Please remember to remove their Sombreros first.
Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.
The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.
The world is falling apart, yet there are m0r0ns chasing Pokemon characters all around town. Where's the comet already.
BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.
Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!
The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.
Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.
So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?
"Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie
Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?
Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.
I voted...for Medical Marijuana.
But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?
So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"
My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia." 